PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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