you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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