I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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