Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
