Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
