Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
