i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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