I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
