The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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