I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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