I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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