I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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