i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
