The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
