Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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