Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
