I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
