I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
