shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
