why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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