i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
