Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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