Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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