he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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