positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
