I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
