I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
