saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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