yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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