Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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