Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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