end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
