I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
