After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
