I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
