there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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