I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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