Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
