Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
