Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
