I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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