we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
