I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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