I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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