Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
