guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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