I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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