Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
