Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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