i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
