I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize