ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
