I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
