So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
