Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
