why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
