I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
