if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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