Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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