she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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