So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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