Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
