girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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