its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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