i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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